


SALE (Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby)

by Ladybug_21



Category: Always Be My Maybe (2019), Big Little Lies (TV), Crazy Rich Asians (2018)
Genre: Crack Crossover, F/F, F/M, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladybug_21/pseuds/Ladybug_21
Summary: Two wealthy businesswomen at a silent auction in San Francisco fall into a ferocious bidding war over a date with a mystery actor. Things get exactly as ridiculous as expected.
Relationships: Eleanor Young/Renata Klein, Keanu Reeves (Always Be My Maybe)/Jenny (Always Be My Maybe), Sasha Tran/Marcus Kim
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	SALE (Blame It On My A.D.D. Baby)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shiguresflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiguresflower/gifts).



> Sometimes, Shiguresflower tosses me _the most_ absurd prompts to write. Sometimes, I actually write them. (Don't say I never do anything for you, my friend.)
> 
> I own no rights to any of these characters. Nor to Keanu Reeves, for that matter. Also, for those of you who haven't seen _Always Be My Maybe_ , 1) go watch it, because it's hilarious, and 2) this [three-minute-long clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex403ii_Bhs) provides about 75% of the context that you need to understand the second half of this crack fic.

Eleanor Young still wasn't exactly sure how Nick had convinced her to go to this particular gala. There were a million other things that she could have (and should have) been doing in San Francisco instead. But Nick had informed her that one of Rachel's close friends from childhood was involved with the event, and that it would only be good form as Rachel's new mother-in-law for Eleanor to attend. ("Rachel says that said friend is a bit like Peik Lin, and moved to San Francisco the minute she graduated high school to immerse herself in the city's free love bohemian culture," Nick had added with a grin, which only added to Eleanor's rapidly decreasing enthusiasm for the entire endeavor.)

Still, she _did_ owe Rachel Chu a gesture or two of good will. So Eleanor dressed in an exquisite black-and-white Vera Wang ensemble, swept her hair up into a French twist, donned a pair of black Jimmy Choo stilettos, and strode into the hotel ballroom where the gala was being held like she owned the place.

Halfway through dinner, as Eleanor politely listened to an immensely tedious entrepreneur describe his new app to her, she heard her phone ding and checked her messages.

_Don't forget to bid on something!_ Nick had texted her cheerfully.

Eleanor bit back a sigh of exasperation, reattached a neutral smile to her face, and turned her feigned attention back to the tech bro. In the background, some band was playing a [song about tennis balls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE9PV5GbElI) that Eleanor secretly found somewhat catchy, although she would rather be thrown from the top of the Tanjong Panar Centre than admit this fact to a living soul. Also, the food at this event was exquisite, and infinitely better than the catering for a local community youth group's event had _any_ right to be.

Still. For the obnoxious tech bro alone, Rachel Chu was going to owe Eleanor big time after this most ridiculous of evenings.

Finally, Eleanor couldn't take it any longer, and, excusing herself politely, she escaped from the tech bro by wandering over to the silent auction table. She glanced politely over the listings: tickets to Warriors and Giants games, weekends of wine-tasting in Napa, three custom-made meals at the new Sasha Tran restaurant in San Francisco. _How nice_ , Eleanor thought to herself emotionlessly.

And then one item actually caught her eye.

_DATE WITH A MYSTERY ACTOR. Spend an evening in the company of an acclaimed Hollywood A-list actor! Ask him about his roles in Academy Award-winning films, his opinions on fame and love, how he cultivates his swoon-worthy style, and much more. He'll even pay for dinner at an exclusive restaurant of his choosing. Market cost: Priceless!_

Eleanor's hand hovered indecisively over the pen on the table. With her husband gone, she hadn't been on a date in... who even knew how many years. She certainly didn't go to dinners for _fun_ anymore. (Eleanor didn't really do anything for fun anymore.) But perhaps this would be worth a one-night engagement, a fluffy little something that _could_ develop into a longer-term prospect but definitely didn't _come_ with expectations. A very useful contact, if nothing else. And maybe...

Around this point in Eleanor's deliberative internal monologue was when she noticed the only person bidding on the auction item thus far. The minimum asking price was listed at $250. The first bidder had boosted that price to $5,000. Eleanor's eyes narrowed.

_Two can play at that game, Renata Klein_ , she thought, and scrawled her own name down before setting the new price at $10,000.

Yet when Eleanor circled back some fifteen minutes later, this Renata Klein had boosted up the bid again, now to $20,000. Eleanor, not to be outdone, bid $50,000.

By the next time Eleanor circled back around the table, a tall blonde woman in an admittedly stunning backless Oscar de la Renta dress was arguing aggressively with one of the event coordinators, one finger jabbing into his face as she angrily brushed away from her eyes a strand of hair that had escaped from her updo.

"Listen, Mark, or whatever your name is," the blonde woman was snarling at the hapless man, whom Eleanor recognized as one of the members of the band that she was trying so hard not to like. "Either you pull that auction item right now while my bid is ahead, or so help me, I will get your fucking band blacklisted from every single licensed performance venue in all of California and most of New York. Let's see how well you 'bounce back' from _that_ , huh?"

"Excuse me," snapped a petite woman with stylish glasses who had just arrived at the hapless musician's side, "are you _threatening_ my boyfriend?"

"Um, yeah, maybe I am," the blonde woman sneered back at the petite woman. "And I'll have you know that the Michelan reviewers in both New York and California are _very_ close personal friends, so I'd advise you to give me what I fucking want, or god help the reviews for your precious little Judy's Whatever restaurant."

The petite woman opened her mouth to argue back, but the hapless musician grabbed her arm.

"Sasha, it's not worth it," he muttered to her. "Look, it's gonna help Jenny regardless, okay? Let's just pull the item now."

"It's the _principle_ , Marcus!" the petite woman hissed at him, but she didn't say another word, although she did continue to scowl at a very smug Renata Klein as Marcus removed the item sheet from the bidding table and took it into a back room.

Eleanor waited until she could catch Marcus alone to make her next move. She approached him as he was trying to discreetly wipe some spilled plum sauce off of his slacks.

"I enjoyed watching you earlier," she said with a cool smile, glad that for once her flattery could come from a genuine place.

The musician stopped wiping off his pants and turned a nonplussed expression on Eleanor. His eyes widened when he caught sight of the elegant Singaporean.

"Uhhh, thanks?" he said finally.

"I think your band has real talent," Eleanor continued. "I've never heard of Hello Peril before, but I think they could be very successful in Asia, if they ever decided to tour."

"Wait, seriously?" From the way he spoke, Eleanor quickly assessed that this Marcus was cute, but dumb. "Like, _Asia_ Asia?"

"My son's birthday is in four months," Eleanor went on, because she had no idea how to respond to Marcus's last question. "I would consider hiring Hello Peril to fly to Singapore to perform for the private event, and then funding a tour through Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Korea, China, and Japan."

"This is... this is... oh my god," muttered Marcus, stunned.

"However..." Eleanor let her voice trail off delicately. "I would ask something in return for all of this."

Marcus stared at her.

"Look, um, if you're about to ask for weird sex stuff, I'll only..."

"Put my name down on the mystery actor bid sheet for $100,000," Eleanor interrupted so that she wouldn't have to hear whatever it was that Marcus was about to say. "After I receive my invitation to the dinner, I'll send you the travel logistics for the tour."

"O-okay," Marcus stammered as Eleanor wrote him out a check for $100,000, then snapped her clutch shut and walked out of the ballroom. She had had more than enough of this benefit gala to last her a lifetime.

Eleanor received an email from one Marcus Kim two weeks later, instructing her to meet the mystery actor at an exclusive high-end restaurant in San Francisco. With a triumphant smirk, Eleanor booked a plane ticket to the United States. To her surprise, she began feeling the slightest bit nervous on the flight, which was funny because Eleanor Young hadn't felt nervous about anything since about 1995. Still, standing outside the front door to the restaurant, the slightest of butterflies began fluttering about her stomach before a concierge opened the door and invited her in.

Eleanor had been seated for about two minutes when, to her shock, Renata Klein was led to the table.

"I think there's been a mistake," the blonde woman said, frowning at Eleanor. "I was supposed to be meeting someone _important_ here?"

_You bitch_ , Eleanor thought, her poker face not cracking in the slightest.

"No, ma'am," the waiter insisted, "the table was specifically booked for a party of three."

"Excuse me?" Renata said, shooting the waiter a look that fully implied that her hands would be around his throat in about ten seconds if he didn't change his answer.

"If you'll just take a seat for a moment, ma'am," the waiter begged, "I'm sure I'll be able to sort all of this out."

He scurried away before Renata could throttle him, and Renata, her nostrils flared furiously, pulled a chair out for herself and took a seat in it, looking positively murderous.

"If you don't mind," she added to Eleanor. "I'm sure they'll tell me where I'm _actually_ supposed to be sitting any minute now."

"I'm sure they will," replied Eleanor icily. "After all, I didn't take an 18-hour flight here for nothing."

Renata's eyes narrowed.

"Eleanor Young, I presume?" she spat.

Eleanor inclined her head ever so slightly.

"Look," said Renata with a little laugh of disbelief, "I don't know what the fuck's going on, but if you even _think_ of trying to third-wheel this dinner, I swear, I'll..."

But Renata never got to finish her threat, because the background music had suddenly crescendoed, and AWOLNATION blared through the restaurant. Eleanor and Renata had both been shown to seats at the table that were angled towards the door, and so Eleanor's eyes widened and Renata's jaw dropped as a dapperly attired man strode very slowly through the doors, high-fiving people as he went.

"Holy fuck," muttered Renata, "it's Keanu Reeves."

"Hello," said Keanu Reeves, sitting down with both women. He snapped his fingers, and the wait staff turned off his entrance music and put back on whatever had been playing previously at a much lower volume. "It is... my absolute pleasure, to be here with you tonight."

"Mr. Reeves." Renata continued to gape at the movie star. "This is... I wasn't expecting..."

"What you expect from life, is rarely what life chooses to give you." Keanu Reeves took Renata's hand and gallantly kissed it.

Eleanor cleared her throat pointedly. Keanu Reeves swiveled his head towards her.

"What fantastic luck!" he exclaimed in his hushed voice. "Not one, but two beautiful and elegant ladies. _Enchanté, mademoiselle_."

" _Vous pouvez m'appeler madame, merci_ ," Eleanor corrected him as Keanu Reeves kissed her hand as well.

"I don't actually speak French," Keanu Reeves informed her, "I only learned how to pronounce it impeccably so that I could play Catherine of Valois, future wife of King Henry V, in an amateur sidewalk production that was competing against Shakespeare in the Park at the Delacorte. Prince Hal was played by a former 1 train conductor who had been fired for screaming insults for twenty minutes over the intercom at a rat that refused to move off of the tracks as it ate an entire Domino's pizza. It was, suffice to say, a revelatory performance."

Around this point, a waiter came by to spray the vaporized essence of kale salad into the air around them as their first course. Keanu Reeves closed his eyes and breathed deeply, and remained that way for a solid 45 seconds. Eleanor, discreetly keeping time, wondered if Keanu Reeves was in fact stoned.

"I still don't understand," Renata cut in, interrupting Keanu Reeves' silent appreciation of his vaporized salad. "I bought this auction item. Why is _she_ still here?"

"That is a great question," Keanu Reeves said in his most cheerful voice. "Why don't we ask my girlfriend Jenny?"

"Your _what?!_ " Renata snapped, but a woman in dreadlocks and a dress that looked like it was made of sewn-together industrial trash bags was already shrieking and running across the restaurant. Keanu Reeves caught her in his arms and the two made out noisily for a solid minute before they both finally reseated themselves.

Renata looked as though she was about to hurl a steak knife at both of them.

"I'm sorry, I was under the impression that this was a _date_ ," she growled at the pair.

"It is!" Keanu Reeves stopped nibbling on Jenny's ear long enough to turn towards Renata while he answered her question. "Jenny and I are in a very open relationship."

"He has enough heart _and_ enough ass to make the rounds and still come home to Mama hungry," Jenny cooed at Keanu Reeves. "Has anyone ever told you that you look _just_ like Laura Dern?" she added randomly to Renata.

By this point, Eleanor would gladly have joined Renata in any knife-hurling that occurred.

"May I ask what was done with the check that I wrote you?" she said with a painfully fixed smile.

"Oh! We deposited it!" Jenny grinned at Eleanor. "Thanks so much, by the way! Now the community youth can do performance art pieces on both the trafficking of tropical birds, _and_ on dietary trends during the late reign of the Pharaoh Amenhotep!"

"Wait, wait, wait." Renata waved her hands in the air. "My check was _also_ deposited, so if you're saying what I think you're saying..."

Jenny shot Renata a quizzical look.

"I mean, this is straight-up fraud," Renata finished.

"Impossible, Ellie Sattler!" Keanu Reeves threw back his head with a bark of laughter. "You're both enjoying the benefit of my company, right here, and right now! How could it be fraudulent if you're getting exactly what you wanted?"

Eleanor was certainly _not_ getting _any_ of what she wanted. In fact, she was currently weighing how much flak she would get in the Singaporean press if she slapped Keanu Reeves across the face.

"OH." Jenny's eyes widened. "Oh no, we _should_ have specified that the evening wouldn't be exclusive for whoever bid on it. Why didn't we think of adding that to the description?"

"It's all right, babe," said Keanu Reeves, throwing an arm around Jenny so that her trash bag dress crinkled loudly. "The more the merrier, right? I'll just have an extra bottle of champagne and several more cans of aerosol cheese sent up to the suite, maybe an extra vase or two depending on how the evening goes..."

"Well," said Eleanor icily, rising from her seat, "there will be no need, as I will not be joining you."

She hated that her leaving first meant that Renata Klein had won. But Eleanor Young had too much self-respect to continue this farce.

"Oh noooooooo!" Jenny stuck out her lower lip in a pout. "You're Rachel's husband's mom, right? I was really looking forward to getting to know you!"

"Call me a taxi," Eleanor ordered a waiter, ignoring Jenny as she swept out the door. Damn Nick's horrid American wife for having so many indescribably weird friends.

Eleanor had just stepped out onto the sidewalk outside the restaurant when she realized that she wasn't alone.

"Well," snorted Renata Klein, crossing her arms. "I can't wait to try to explain this shit show to my friends. Jesus Christ." She glanced at Eleanor. "Good for you for having the nerve to just leave the whole situation behind, once it started getting too ridiculous."

"Life is short," shrugged Eleanor. "I'm not going to waste it in the company of idiots."

Renata glanced at Eleanor, and a glimmer of a smirk twitched across her mouth before she suppressed it.

"That certainly is not a bad philosophy by which to live," she agreed.

"Do you plan to file a lawsuit?" Eleanor asked.

"Is it really worth it?" Renata shrugged. "I mean, I only lost $75,000."

The nonchalance with which she said this made Eleanor turn and reconsider Renata. She hated to admit it, but she found this tall blonde CEO rather impressive. Her uncouth language was enough to make anyone even remotely cultured flinch, but even so, Eleanor recognized power when she saw it. _A very useful contact_ , she thought, coolly examining the other woman from head to toe. Yes, she supposed that she could tolerate Renata's fiery personality, diametric (or perhaps complementary) as it was to Eleanor's own icy demeanor.

"Would you like to go find a restaurant that serves actual food?" she asked Renata.

"Fuck yeah," Renata replied, and Eleanor was pleased that the irritable American had the presence of mind to open the door for Eleanor when the taxi finally arrived.

**Author's Note:**

> Things that I'm never going to create the time to write: _A Song of Ice and Fire; or, the Slowburn Romantic Development of the International Business Community's Most Terrifying Power Couple_. 😅 (Shiguresflower, I also heartily apologize, since I think that an Eleanor Young/Renata Klein ship was literally the very last thing you wanted from the universe, and yet it seems to have happened...)


End file.
